Get help for yourself. Take care of yourself. You can’t help support others if you are not in a good place.–KW

Caregiving can impact our health and well-being. Our loved ones are on the front line, and we aren’t going to stop helping them — yet we must establish some balance between helping and taking care of ourselves in order to continue to be there for them. Creating balance and caring for yourself are the greatest challenges of being a caregiver and require deliberate effort. Maintaining activities that give you joy and distract you from the serious work of caregiving is a must.

My husband plays tennis every Saturday morning. After they finish their game at 9:00 a.m., they go to the local McDonald’s to eat breakfast, rehash the games (it always astonishes me that they replay every point after the event is over) and enjoy the camaraderie. Keeping this routine was essential for him to maintain balance. The secondary gain was for me. I wanted to hear how everyone was. It helped me stay connected to the “land of the living.”–CS

Ways to take care of yourself can vary depending on what your interests are and what provides balance.

• Being in nature is rejuvenating and grounding. It may allow you to get in touch with your feelings or simply be lifted above them.
• Writing can allow emotions and thoughts to flow. You can journal, write poetry, or write a letter to someone that you don’t send (or do!).
• Schedule a time when you can allow yourself to fully feel the emotions that sit right below the surface.
• Yell. Getting into the car and yelling at the top of your lungs is a great release. Yelling is like scribbling: a free form that allows release.
• Cultivate calmness with meditation, yoga, napping, or even wearing a color that helps you feel calm.
• Music evokes, releases, and soothes emotions. Play it, sing, or listen to it.
• Art is a form of expression. Even if you aren’t talented, don’t throw out this idea. Remember being a child and scribbling? The act of scribbling is a free form and doesn’t restrain emotions. Sitting with paint, finger paint, crayons, or other mediums can provide us with a way to release what we feel without the need to be artistic.

Workbook Chapter 27 Taking Care of the Caregivers Support

The chart below can help you decide what you want to do to support yourself.

Ideas	Yes	No	Maybe	When
Movement:
Walk or run
Work out
Other:
Other:
Hobby (dance, sports, crafts, etc.)
Be in nature
Writing
Art
Yelling
Meditation
Entertainment (TV, reading, play games, etc.)
Be with children or animals
Other:
Other:
Other:

It’s important to rest so you don’t quit, especially when things are long term. Try to take care of yourself. It isn’t feasible or sustainable to do everything for everyone.–RR

I found it helpful not to focus on the disease, but on conversations I always wanted to have with my mom.–MM

Message boards and reaching out to others who have similar experiences were helpful.–KW

Everyone and every situation are so different. What works for someone may not work for you. Listen and follow your instincts.–SH

Frankie shows that no matter how much we want to help and are needed, balance is crucial.

Frankie’s Experience  I Guess We’ll Never Know

When my dear friend, Carmen, was 36, she was diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer. Carmen had to have her entire colon removed. I was in shock that she had cancer and that it was so advanced. Her chance of survival was less than 50%.

I had her move in with me so she could heal, even though I am not good with people getting sick. I don’t handle cleaning up vomit very well; I feel as if I will pass out. But I stood there holding trashcans for her while she got sick every day. I helped her with her colostomy bag and did things I never thought possible. The only goal was to get her better.

People don’t understand the challenges the caregiver faces in dealing with their own fears, stepping up to the plate, doing things that you once thought unimaginable, keeping faith that everything will be ok and your best friend will be back to normal soon. All of this happens while ignoring your own needs and those of your family, because the crisis demands attention. It was a terrible time and situation, but I would do it all again.

Carmen did heal and has the best attitude of anyone I have ever seen. Her cancer turned out to be a genetic issue. She will continue generating new cancerous polyps but is monitored often and the polyps are removed every six months. She is still my bestie and we talk every day!

I ended up having a heart attack at 48 that they said I should not have survived. Genetics played a huge role, together with many unrelated stressors in my life. The fear of losing my friend and watching her suffer so cruelly made that time the worst years of my life. I wonder how much the stress contributed to my own health situation. I guess we will never know.

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Accepting Help

Accept help that is offered, big and small.–NL

When we are busy helping others, it is essential that we also accept help. The patient is not the only one in crisis: we are, too. Those who know what is going on often want to help. Many don’t know what to offer, so they put out a general statement. “Let me know if there is anything you need.” In our culture, we reflexively say “I’m fine” to such a request. In actuality, assistance would be beneficial for both the giver and the receiver.

It is worth taking time to look at what is on your plate. Many tasks can be parceled out, and you know best who is most suited to do something in specific categories.

Workbook Chapter 27 Taking Care of the Caregivers How Others Can Help

The list below suggests some ways others can help. Check which ones you want, and next to the item, list people you would feel comfortable asking for help.

Tasks	Possible helpers
Food preparation
Grocery shopping
Have someone organize a meal train*
Household chores (laundry, cleaning, changing beds)
Yardwork
Visiting
Childcare
Overseeing homework time
Carpooling
Taking children out to do something fun
Animal care
Other:
Other:
Other:

 *Tip: have a cooler by your front door so meals can be left there to reduce exposure to germs and not be overwhelmed by well-meaning visitors.

Sometimes the offer to help goes beyond the mere act, as seen in Ben’s experience.

Ben’s Experience  To This Day

I was going to be 400 miles away from home to be with my wife for a month while she was undergoing a stem cell transplant in Boston. My friends were wonderful, often asking me how things were going during the many months of treatment that preceded the transplant. One friend offered to fly up to Boston to spend some days with me so “I wouldn’t be lonely.” Initially, I thought that it would be helpful and enjoyable to have his company. After more thought, I realized that due to the type of treatment, resulting in her significantly compromised immune system, I didn’t want to be exposed to any unnecessary germs that I could carry into the hospital. I also didn’t want my attention divided; we were entering a situation that was unique and extreme.

I didn’t take him up on his offer, but it is truly one of the kindest gestures I have ever experienced. What he and my other friends did fed me emotionally and made me feel less alone in the process.

To this day, I feel more connected to those who took the time to offer to help.

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Featured image courtesy of 0fjd125gk87 on Pixabay.