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Chapter 3 Our Brains Lead the Way

Tips for Fight Mode 

When in fight mode, we tend to focus more on doing than feeling.

Make a list of two or three people that you designate as the ones you want to ask you how you are doing. Ask them to use the word doing rather than feeling to honor your fight mode (at least for now). Be specific about how frequently you want to be asked; you can always increase it or decrease it later. Ask them if they’re willing to take on this “job” for you. List these people below.

_____________________________      _____________________________

_____________________________      _____________________________

Fight mode places us on high alert and makes it easy to miss important pieces of information. We think we heard everything that was said, but we didn’t. Circle which suggestions you want to use.

Audio record your medical visits.

Bring someone along with you to important medical appointments as a second pair of ears, or to take notes, so you can just listen.

Stay away from people who ask prying questions. People who pry create a feeling of rage and generate a feeling as if they are using your crisis for gossip.

Avoid know-it-alls. When we are in fight mode, we don’t want to hear dissenting opinions, because it distracts us from our well-thought-out plan.

Keeping a routine is important in fight mode, because when following routines the brain doesn’t have to think and make decisions about ordinary tasks. Maintaining routines preserves energy for creating plans and gathering needed information.

Decide on two or three routines from your daily life you can deliberately keep during the challenging period of diagnosis. Routines to keep are

____________________________      ____________________________

_____________________________      _____________________________

Fight mode takes energy. It’s important to occasionally distract yourself and let your system settle so you’re not further taxing your health.

Create a list of five mind-distracting activities that fit your specific health situation. Ideas include work/volunteer, if possible; exercise; social interaction (sports, games); crossword or jigsaw puzzles; gardening; playing with children; cooking; repetitive prayer; or singing. Distracting activities…

____________________________      ____________________________

____________________________      ____________________________

____________________________      ____________________________

Chapter 3 Our Brains Lead the Way

Tips for Flight Mode

When in flight mode, we tend to be overwhelmed by emotions that make us want to escape. Thinking about the details and gathering information can increase our distress, so it is important to enlist others to help with these tasks.

Make a list of two or three friends/family that you would like to have on your support team. Choosing someone with a medical background is helpful, but not crucial. Meet with them to talk about what you want them to do.  Support team…

___________________________         ___________________________

___________________________            __________________________

As a group, decide who will go to which medical appointments. Record them on a shared calendar (Google Calendar, Outlook.com, etc.) You can also share this calendar with others, such as select family members or friends.

Audio record your medical visits so all team members can hear what has been said and stay up-to-date.

Have the person who accompanies you to medical appointments take notes, particularly the main facts you need to know, so you can refer to them when you feel ready. After a medical appointment, the team member is to ask if now is a good time to tell you three pieces of information. If you hear one piece and that’s all you can handle, tell them that’s all you can listen to right now. It helps to add that you are feeling overwhelmed because that gives the helper clarity as to why they need to stop. The helpers need to know these “rules”. Person to attend medical appointments with you

_______________________________

When in flight mode, grounding activities are good. Grounding activities are those that keep us more present in the here and now — hence, less likely to take flight. Ways to be more grounded when in this mode include engaging one or more of the senses (taste, touch, smell, sight, sound). Mark the items you want to use.

_____Listen to music

_____Eat enjoyable foods

_____Drink warm/cold beverages

_____Smell scents that bring positive memories. Put a whole citrus fruit in the freezer and when frozen, take it out and smell it. The aroma of the citrus can be grounding. Some people use aromatherapy diffusers.

_____Be in nature, which is full of sights, smells, sounds, and touch

_____Spend time with pets

_____Lie under a weighted blanket

_____Wear clothes that are comfortable and have a texture you like

Some actions are particularly unhelpful to take when in flight mode.

Don’t visit Dr. Google
Don’t listen to the medical visit recordings unless you have moved into fight mode, because hearing the information in medical jargon can increase the anxiety

Chapter 3 Our Brains Lead the Way

Tips for Freeze Mode

When in freeze mode, much of the world around and inside of us feels overwhelming. We don’t want a lot of input.

Although freeze and flight modes are different from one another, they have similar features that prompt some of the same suggestions.

Make a list of two or three friends/family that you would like to have on your support team. Choosing someone with a medical background is helpful, but not crucial. Meet together to talk about what you want them to do. List the two or three friends/family that you would like to have on your support team.

___________________________       _____________________________

___________________________        _____________________________

As a group, decide who will go to which medical appointments. Write the dates on a shared calendar (Google Calendar, Outlook.com, etc.) (You can also share this calendar with select family and friends if you choose.) Who will go to medical appointments with you…

______________________________

Audio record your medical visits so all team members can hear what has been said and stay up-to-date.

Have the person who accompanies you to medical appointments to take notes, particularly the main facts you need to know, so you can refer to them when you feel ready.

After a medical appointment, the team member is to ask if now is a good time to tell you three pieces of information. If you hear one piece and that’s all you can handle, tell them that’s all you can listen to right now. Let them know that you are feeling overwhelmed, because that gives the helper clarity as to why they need to stop. The helpers need to know these “rules” ahead of time.

To help unlock the freeze reaction, touch or movement are essential. Check off the items that are appealing to you.

_____Wrap yourself in a cozy or weighted blanket.

_____Be hugged by someone you trust and love

_____Have your hair washed

_____Take a walk in nature

_____Get a massage

_____Dance

_____Sit with a pet

_____Ride a bike

_____Dig/plant in the  dirt

_____Fish, as casting and reeling are calming movements

Support

1.      Throughout the stages of a medical crisis and more, we move back and forth between the three modes: fight, flight, and freeze. Most of us, though, tend to have a “go-to” approach. Which is your primary one?

______________________________________________

2.     Our relationships with family, friends and colleagues vary. Identifying what type of support you need from specific people allows you to let them know. When you are in your primary mode of reaction (fight, flight, or freeze), what kind of support do you need? My primary mode is ­__________________. When I am in this mode, I need…

I Need This Kind of Support	From This Person

 

3. When your stress is heightened, what mode (fight, flight, freeze) do you move into as a reaction? ________________________mode. When I am in this mode, I need…

I Need This Kind of Support	From This Person

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Chapter 4  What Do I Do Now

Here’s one way to evaluate if you need or want a specific piece of information about your situation.

 Step 1.

Will this information help me	Yes	No	Maybe
Prepare myself
Understand diagnosis and treatment
Learn about the course of treatment (what will happen?)
Understand the side effects of medication, treatment or illness
Be a better advocate

 

Step 2.

After you think about the above areas, move to the next layer. Identify what you want to know, who to ask for the info, and who will ask. The latter column is helpful if a group of people is working together as caregivers. Together, you can determine who will gather what information and report back.

 

What I Want to Know	Who Can I Ask	Who Will Ask

 

Step 3.

A final area is to acknowledge what you don’t want to know. Maybe you don’t need to know it and don’t want to spend time on it. Maybe you don’t want to know it now. Maybe you just don’t want to learn about it at all.

  

What I Don’t Want to Know

 

Chapter 7 Figuring It Out

I can’t believe this is happening. It is…

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Once the feelings have surfaced in the letter, put the letter away for a few days or a week, and then pull it out. Reading through the letter, you may find there are some other ideas you would like to add.

The next step is to write what it is you want/need. This can start out with the ideas below. Again, it’s important to give yourself enough uninterrupted time to work on this.

I wish…

 

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I want…

 

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I need…

 

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After time has passed, read over what you wrote. Take what you wrote and determine if there is something or someone who can help you meet a want or a need. Look at the list and put the name of the people who can respond to each need. For example, there were times when I wanted to be distracted by the reality of what I was going through. I found that being with my grandchildren was a distraction that took me away from the tough times. Playing games and interacting with them required my full concentration. The result was joy. See what desires surface for you and how they can be fulfilled. 

Need	Who or What Can Meet My Need
Example: distraction	watching movie; playing a game with child; talking to my friend Leslie

Chapter 7 Figuring It Out

My Emotions

1.     Throughout this initial stage, as well as subsequent phases, we move back and forth between the three modes: fight, flight, and freeze. You identified your primary reaction mode in Chapter 3. To look further, write which reaction (fight, flight, freeze) do you identify as your primary reaction mode?

______________________________

2.     Our relationships with family, friends and colleagues vary. For example, we may be receptive to a hug from one person, but not another. Identifying what type of support you need from specific people allows you to let them know. When you are in your primary mode of reaction (fight, flight, or freeze), what kind of support do you need? My primary mode is ­_____________________. When I am in this mode, I need…

I Need This Kind of Support	From This Person

 

3. When your stress is heightened, what mode (fight, flight, freeze) do you move into as a reaction? ________________________mode. When I am in this mode, I need…

I Need This Kind of Support	From This Person
	>

Chapter 12 Pathways to Coping

Grateful

Write down the people in your life you are grateful for and what it is they bring to your life to make it better.

Person	What They Bring to My Life

 

List things you like about yourself.

List experiences for which you are grateful.

Chapter 13 Dealing with Others

Write who is on your different tiers. Decide what you want to share with each tier, and how. Have an idea of how you might respond to someone in each tier when they ask how you are or how they can help. (For ideas, see the section titled “How can I help?”)

Person	What to Share
Example: A neighbor up the street I rarely see ( tier 3) says, “I heard you’re sick.”	“Yes, I’m going through treatment, but I’m doing well.”

Compare the first list of words (your “child self”) and the list related to the present. What traits are on both lists? 

Chapter 18 Rebuilding

The Gifts of Trauma

What are three positives your crisis brought about?

1.

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2.

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3.

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Because I am so awed by others’ kindnesses, my experience has encouraged me to take the time to send cards, check in with others, or make a meal in others’ times of need. Not only does it help them, but also it makes me feel good to pay it forward. If you want to build on any of the three positives you identified above, list what you can do to continue to benefit from them.

1.

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2.

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3.

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Chapter 18 Rebuilding

Activities

What activities would you like to do?

Chapter 18 Rebuilding

Relating to Others

Jot down responses you feel comfortable giving to the three levels of people.

Level 1 is made up of those we are closest to. Responses in this area tend to be the most specific. Sample responses include “It’s hard to adjust to the changes my body demands”. “I worry about what can happen, but it doesn’t preoccupy my thoughts like it used to”.

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Level 2 consists of people we consider friends, family (though sometimes not), certain colleagues, and close neighbors. Responses in this area could include I still have some challenges, but I am much better. I’m holding my own. I’m feeling well. Jot down responses you feel comfortable giving to this group.

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Level 3 includes people we encounter but don’t feel particularly close to, or with whom we don’t share personal information. Responses in this area could include All is moving along. I feel so much better now. Jot down responses you feel comfortable giving to this group.

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Chapter 18 Rebuilding

Adapting at Work

Identify what you need at work, who needs to know what you’re going through, and what you can say.

What I Need	Who Needs to Know	What I Can Say

Chapter 19 Caregivers’ Reactions

Worries

Make a list of your worries and “what ifs.” Turn each item into a question and list whom you can ask to find an answer.

Worries and What Ifs	Question	Whom Can I Ask

Chapter 19 Caregivers’ Reactions

Anger

List three ways you can release your anger in constructive ways.

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

Chapter 19 Caregivers’ Reactions

What We Need to Know

Here’s one way to evaluate if you need or want a specific piece of information about your loved one’s situation.

Step 1

Will this information help me	Yes	No	Maybe
Will it help me be prepared
Will it help me understand the diagnosis and treatment
Will it help me learn about the course of treatment and what will happen
Will it help me understand the side effects of medication, treatment or illness
Will it help me be a better advocate

 

Step 2

After you think about the above areas, move to the next layer. Identify what you want to know, who to ask for the info, and who will ask. The latter column is helpful if a group of people is working together as caregivers. Together, you can determine who will gather what information and report back.

 What You Want to Know                                     Who to Ask for Help             Who Will Ask

 

Step 3

A final area is to acknowledge what you don’t want to know. Maybe you don’t need to know something and don’t want to spend time on it. Maybe you don’t want to know it now.   

What I don’t want/need to know

 

Chapter 27 Taking Care of the Caregivers

Support

The chart below can help you decide what you want to do to support yourself.

Ideas	Yes	No	Maybe	When
Movement:
Walk or run
Work out
Other:
Other:
Hobby (dance, sports, crafts, etc.)
Be in nature
Writing
Art
Yelling
Meditation
Entertainment (TV, reading, play games, etc.)
Be with children or animals
Other:
Other:
Other:

Chapter 27 Taking Care of the Caregivers

How Others Can Help

The list below suggests some ways others can help. Check which ones you want, and next to the item, list people you would feel comfortable asking for help.

Tasks	Possible helpers
Food preparation
Grocery shopping
Have someone organize a meal train*
Household chores (laundry, cleaning, changing beds)
Yardwork
Visiting
Childcare
Overseeing homework time
Carpooling
Taking children out to do something fun
Animal care
Other:
Other:
Other:

 *Tip: have a cooler by your front door so meals can be left there to reduce exposure to germs and not be overwhelmed by well-meaning visitors.