I Don’t Know What I Feel or Need
I just got a position as a professor in a new program at the university where I work. I was determined not to miss a day of this exciting position, cancer or no cancer. That’s what I need. – RW
In order to know what you are experiencing, it can be helpful to write yourself a letter. Start the letter with something like, I can’t believe this is happening. It is…Beginning with “It is…” helps spark the brain into describing what is occurring. The feelings that sit beneath the surface can emerge in your writing. This can be an emotional process, so it’s important to give yourself uninterrupted time to write.
Workbook Chapter 7 Figuring It Out
I can’t believe this is happening. It is…
Once the feelings have surfaced in the letter, put the letter away for a few days or a week, and then pull it out. Reading through the letter, you may find there are some other ideas you would like to add.
The next step is to write what it is you want/need. This can start out with the ideas below. Again, it’s important to give yourself enough uninterrupted time to work on this.
I wish…
I want…
I need…
After time has passed, read over what you wrote. Take what you wrote and determine if there is something or someone who can help you meet a want or a need. Look at the list and put the name of the people who can respond to each need. For example, there were times when I wanted to be distracted by the reality of what I was going through. I found that being with my grandchildren was a distraction that took me away from the tough times. Playing games and interacting with them required my full concentration. The result was joy. See what desires surface for you and how they can be fulfilled.
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Need |
Who or what can meet my need |
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Example: distraction |
watching movie; playing a game with child; talking to my friend Leslie |
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My Emotions
As we navigate through these uncharted waters, using our self-awareness can lessen confusion and frustration. Below are questions based on the information presented. Answering these questions can assist you through this process and ease some distress, whether you are the identified patient or part of the support team.
Workbook Chapter 7 Figuring it out My Emotions
1. Throughout this initial stage, as well as subsequent phases, we move back and forth between the three modes: fight, flight, and freeze. You identified your primary reaction mode in Chapter 3. To look further, write which reaction (fight, flight, freeze) do you identify as your primary reaction mode?
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2. Our relationships with family, friends and colleagues vary. For example, we may be receptive to a hug from one person, but not another. Identifying what type of support you need from specific people allows you to let them know. When you are in your primary mode of reaction (fight, flight, or freeze), what kind of support do you need? My primary mode is ____________. When I am in this mode, I need…
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I need this kind of support |
From this person |
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3. When your stress is heightened, what mode (fight, flight, freeze) do you move into as a reaction? ________________________mode. When I am in this mode, I need…
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I need this kind of support |
From this person |
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When a medical crisis occurs, we are propelled down a path for which we are unprepared, never knowing how long it will be or how it will end.
Medical teams guide us through the physical aspects, but we are left on our own to understand the emotional and practical impacts as our lives change. By understanding what happens in our brain and the common emotions experienced during the initial stage, we can better determine what support will help us and how to make decisions.
Moving through the journey causes our experiences to change. There will be times that are more challenging, and there will be moments when life feels calmer. Through it all, trust yourself and surround yourself with those who care.
Cindy’s Journey When Are You Leaving?
For the first 10 years of my life, I was fortunate to live near my grandparents and great-grandparents. Memories are peppered with games of Tiddlywinks, dominos, and cards with my grandmother, along with family cookouts. My grandparents’ home was perfect for visiting grandchildren, as they had a creek flowing through their backyard, a pond in which to swim and catch frogs, and a path leading to a Dairy Queen. Summer days couldn’t get any better.
Just prior to entering fifth grade, my father’s job took us from the close proximity of extended family in New Jersey to a new adventure in the suburbs of Pittsburgh. While missing family cookouts and swims at my grandparents’ place, I embraced their visits to our new home. On one of their visits, as soon as my grandparents arrived, I quickly asked, “When are you leaving?”
My seemingly impolite question was asked to set my expectation of how many days I could enjoy them being there. Later in the day, my mother instructed me that there was a better way to ask such a question (“How long are you able to stay?”). Ok, lesson learned.
These days, I have an unwanted guest. No matter what I am doing, this uninvited visitor demands attention. Taking walks while gazing at trees and feeling the warmth of the sun, my mind focuses on what medical appointments are upcoming. Playing with grandchildren and reveling in their developing personalities, my attention is pulled away to wonder if I will live to see them into their adulthood. No matter how hard I try to dismiss this visitor, it remains, inserting itself in all the moments of my days.
As the calendar flips from one month to the next, I focus on my visitor, demanding to know, “When are you leaving?”
[1] https://www.fightcancer.org/policy-resources/costs-cancer
[2] https://www.fightcancer.org/sites/default/files/Costs%20of%20Cancer%20-%20Final%20Web.pdf
Featured image courtesy of CDD20 on Pixabay.
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