I believe most people have good intentions. When hearing about someone going through a challenging time, most want to reach out, say the right words, and offer help. In doing so, some folks just naturally hit the right mark, while others fumble around and put their foot in their mouth. Other people act as if nothing has happened because they aren’t sure what to do. They figure saying nothing is better than saying something wrong.

While we all have individual preferences, there are common actions that can be helpful. The tips below may help pinpoint what is most useful to you.

What Others Have Found Helpful

Patients and loved ones have a lot to do and digesting and responding to even the kindest of messages can be a lot to manage. In written communication, saying “no reply is needed” allows the person to accept the message without the burden of responding.

Text, email or leave a message to say the person is thinking of me and that there was no need to call back. –JN

Acts of faith and positive intention can give a sense of comfort. Receiving a letter with the names of the people who are praying for a person is particularly comforting because it shows the number of people who have come together to offer support.

My parents’ church placed me on their prayer list, and I got a letter with all their signatures on the letter each week. I knew that people were praying for my recovery and me.
I truly feel that it helped me in my healing. –DH

Sending out updates to your supporters is less burdensome than repeating the facts and answering each person’s questions. It decreases the chance that you will be confronted with questions you don’t know the answers to. It also is a benefit for everyone to receive the news at the same time, so others don’t hear it from someone else who might misconstrue facts in the retelling. Hearing the news via email allows the receivers to digest the information before responding. The most important response is a sincere one.

When my wife was diagnosed, I sent out an email to my friends to let them know what was going on. It was helpful when they responded to me by email or in person that they wanted to be there to help, and they sincerely meant it. –BAS

What Not to Say

I hated it when people said, “Oh, you’ll be fine.”–DH

“Everything will be okay.” How could they know my son would be okay???–LVB

Well-meaning comments can hit us the wrong way. Whatever your reaction, it is okay. These are choppy waters we tread and there is no wrong way to feel.

At a time in our lives when we are faced with unknowns and our minds are filled with what-ifs and different scenarios (including death), to say, “You’ll be fine” feels dismissive — as if what we are going through isn’t a big deal.

Comparing the diagnosis to another diagnosis is disrespectful of what the person is going through.

“At least it’s not melanoma.”–CS

“It’s only benign.” Benign tumor in the brain is still a big deal.–JZ

While the loss of a child is considered the greatest loss one can experience, any loss is significant. When losing a parent, we are faced with losing part of our childhood. Such an impending loss sparks memories, early grieving, and pain. Disregarding the impact of a loss of someone who is older discounts the role that person has played in the person’s life.

“Well, he’s had a long life.”–TS

Everyone moves at their own rate through their crisis. Sometimes, the pathways toward treatment are clear and defined. Other times, each step depends on how the prior step goes. When people ask a lot of questions, it can increase anxiety, worry, and feel intrusive.

The worst of all was all the questions! It only increased my anxiety and satisfied their curiosity.–JN

It is truly difficult to know how someone feels. We can imagine how someone feels. We can empathize with how someone feels. When in the same situation, we may have similar feelings, but everyone is unique, and saying, “I know how you feel” can give the person a sense of not being understood.

I know just how you feel.–MR

Upon receiving a diagnosis, most experience shock, and to hear that “it could be worse” can increase anxiety and incite anger. Most of the time, this is a true statement, but it is not a helpful one.

It could be worse.–RS

Cindy’s Journey How Are You? What’s Wrong with That?     

I’ve spent hours upon hours in my oncologist’s office.  An oncologist’s office isn’t the happiest place to be.  Everyone there has something they are dealing with.

As I look around the room, I wonder how many of these people will be alive a year from now?  Five years? Ten? And, then a medical professional calls someone’s name breaking my mortality questions.  As the patient ambles toward the door, he is greeted with “How are you?”

My mind screams with how do you think they are? If they are coming to your office, chances are they aren’t doing well.  They are scared, angry, sad, hopeful, discouraged, and a mass of other emotions.

PLEASE, I want to shout, greet patients with, “It’s good to see you”.

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Featured image courtesy of Willgard on Pixabay.