It’s still a roller coaster, but now the hills are smaller. –CS

Our emotions fluctuate during a crisis. Afterward, the intensity may ease, but we are still processing what happened, and coping with the challenges. Our experiences cause us to feel vulnerable even though we are out of immediate crisis and danger. Our brains and emotions haven’t settled into trusting the new ground we stand on.

Avoidance

I have to deal with the daily effects of treatment. I try not to dwell on it. –GP

Six months after my stem cell transplant, I had an appointment with my physician at Dana Farber in Boston. My husband suggested we stop at Brigham Women’s Hospital to show the staff how well I was doing. As much as I wanted to thank the staff for their expertise and care, the mere thought of walking into the building caused a flashback of lying in the bed tethered to needles and tubes while the side effects of the interventions coursed through my body. Sometimes, avoidance is the way to go. Not all situations need to be relived.

Anger

I should be back at work and playing tennis by now. But every step through this “routine” surgery, there has been another setback. I’m so angry. –FF

Anger is good! Anger is often a healthy reaction to upsetting circumstances. One of anger’s greatest aspects is its ability to be a mobilizer. Anger can propel us to act to change our circumstances. Anger can lead us to reclaim parts of our lives. Managing anger and expressing it in constructive ways is essential.

I think the experience hardened me in ways. I wish it hadn’t. My anger lingers. –DP

Anxiety

The following five-year period, I experienced high levels of anxiety that appeared to be the result of my new (blood) operating system. During the process of determining the right meds for my anxiety, I was extremely concerned that I would have this debilitating anxiety for the rest of my life. This was very scary. –GM

Anxiety is a common reaction to uncertainty. Medical journeys are a natural feeding ground for anxiety, worry, and fear. Most of us live our lives knowing we are not immortal, but when our physical health is threatened, we face immortality in a real and impactful way. Will I live? How long will I live? Will this come back? Will I have another heart attack/stroke/accident? The list of “what ifs” that floats through the mind becomes lengthy and real.

I was relieved my treatment was done, but also scared about what would happen next. I worried about money, since I couldn’t work for a year. –LR

I was so relieved to be done with treatment, but also wondered if they got all the cancer cells. What if one escaped and went to another part of my body that wasn’t checked? –DH

Disappointment

When I had my breast reconstruction, my plastic surgeon also reconstructed my scalp (due to melanoma). I no longer have a large cancerous spot on the top of my head, but I can’t wear my hair as short as I used to because the scars show. I have to wear a hat when I go outside. I hate hats. –SR

Disappointment occurs when we expect something different than what has happened. After undergoing surgery, recovery, treatment, and more, we assume our lives and bodies will return to “normal.” Sometimes, they do. Other times, our lives and bodies are altered, and we must adapt. While adapting to unexpected changes is essential for overall well-being, accepting outcomes is not without disappointment. It’s okay to be grateful you are alive and disappointed that not everything ended the way you hoped.

I thought I would bounce back to my old self right away, but that hasn’t been the case. My hair is slow to come in, and the neuropathy in my feet and legs hasn’t gotten better. It is so disappointing. –MT

My breast is sort of deformed. I don’t like that. It’s a small price to pay for good health, though. –MR

In some ways, I found it depressing when treatment was over. The radiation oncologist told me that was normal. I had been proactive, and now I was in a passive stage. –MB

Waiting for the Other Shoe to Drop

Anticipating that “bad news” will come your way again is a hallmark sign of a trauma experience. The very nature of trauma is experiencing something threatening that is out of the ordinary. We imagine if we stay on alert, we can prevent or head off future trauma. At the same time, our rational thinking knows that sometimes events occur out of our control. Taking action to help protect ourselves from negative future experiences helps us feel in control and pushes back the fear.

To combat fear, some choose to change their eating habits and amount of exercise. Others add outlets that increase comfort, such as meditation, praying, or being in nature. Finding habits that support you brings greater ease.

I exercise and take my meds but think of congestive heart failure every day. I am always concerned about my insurance since I am self-employed. My insurance and medications are expensive. –BR

As Victor Frankl wrote in Man’s Search for Meaning, the only thing we can control is our attitude in life, whatever the situation or circumstance we are facing. –RGW

I am fearful that the cancer will return, but I also have gone on with my life. –SR

I am still worried that the cancer could reappear. My mom had breast cancer twice in her life and then was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer and died within four months. It’s a fear that lives within me. –RG

---

Featured image courtesy of Keith Hardy on Unsplash.